Being True to Who You Are: Why We Don’t Have to Act Like Men at Work

I have often struggled with the question of how a woman should be acting in the workplace. Should she be aggressive, assertive, and tough, or should she be nice, understanding, and patient? A woman’s instinct usually tells her that she should be nice, but we all know that being too “nice” makes it hard for others to take you seriously. On the flip side, if you are too assertive or aggressive, both qualities that are praised in men, you are considered “mean” or a “bitch.” In Catherine Kaputa’s The Female Brand: Using the Female Mindset to Succeed in Business, she discusses a 2007 study by Catalyst, “Damned if You Do, Damned if You Dont,” where the findings indicated that women often face three common dilemmas in the workplace:

1. The Can’t-Win Dilemma: If women act like women and embody those traits that make us who we are, they are perceived as weak and incapable. If they act like men, they are seen as too tough. In essence, they can’t win.
2. The Higher Bar-Lower Reward Dilemma: Women often have to work harder to get to where men are, but they often receive less in exchange for their hard work.
3. The Competent Yet Disliked Dilemma: Women who embody those leadership skills praised in men, such as assertiveness and aggressiveness, are often disliked, even by women. 

As you can see, no matter what a woman does she is always at a disadvantage. I am sure we all remember when Hillary Clinton ran for president of the United States in 2008, right? When Clinton brought her campaign efforts to a close in June of 2008, CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric made an everlasting impression on the feminists of the United States when she said, “However you feel about her politics, I feel that Senator Clinton received some of the most unfair, hostile coverage I’ve ever seen.”  Couric went on to argue that Clinton’s defeat was not based upon her political beliefs, but was rooted in sexism. What I remember most prominently about Clinton’s bid for presidency was how often she was criticized for wearing pant suits, and when she did wear skirt suits people commented on how thick her ankles were. Seriously? Clinton was also criticized that her tone of voice was annoying and nagging, and was accused of having a meltdown when she got angry during a debate (something male politicians do all of the time).

While Hillary Clinton is just one example, sexism is all around us. So, what are we to do? Should be behave like men or act as we were meant to act? I have always tended to think that women should bottle up their emotions and niceness and be more aggressive and assertive, but Kaputa’s book and the story of E. Lee Hennessee that I recently read on Forbes makes me think differently.

Hennessee works on Wall Street as a trader. For those of you who don’t know, working on Wall Street is seen as a man’s job. As a result, most women working on Wall Street tend to try to act more like the men. Rather than trying to act like the other women working in Wall Street, Henneessee refused to give up her southern upbringing and morals. When senior men would try to bully her to give up her high-powered clients, she wouldn’t budge, but would instead tell them that when their daughters of nieces entered the workforce she hoped people didn’t treat them like he was treating her. When men were rude to her on the phone, she hung up on them and refused to work with them unless they were polite. When people told her that she shouldn’t work downtown, but should work uptown so she could go shopping on her lunch break she went downtown and worked in the biggest room of men she could find. Hennessee defied the odds and opened her own company – all while acting like a true southern woman.

Just like Hennessee, Kaputa does not think that acting like a man is the answer. Kaputa argues that if women were to act like men in the workplace they would be seen, as stated above, as too assertive or too aggressive. Kaputa correctly states that “Bad behavior is disliked in a man. But it’s despised in a woman.” Rather than trying to be what you are not, Kaputa argues that you should embrace who you are and be a woman. Kaputa states that “Your brand must come from who you are, what makes you tick, what your passions are, and what your strengths are.” Rather than focusing on your shortcoming and always trying to be something you are not, Kaputa says that you need to be who you are.

I agree! Why should women spend so much time trying to be like men when that clearly doesn’t work for them? Rather than trying to be aggressive, women should focus on what they are good at – being empathetic and building relationships with those around them. Women have great intuition and the ability to really see how their actions are affecting other people. Why not focus on this ability to help you succeed? Sure, you can be motivated, hard-working, smart, and opinionated, but you shouldn’t try to overcompensate for your softer side. Women shouldn’t be afraid to be who they are in the workplace. Sure, there are things that women should try to keep out of the workplace – like tears or emotional outbursts – but a woman should not have to be overly assertive, mean, or aggressive to be successful.

What do you think? Do you agree with Kaputa that women shouldn’t try to act like men or do you think that, in order to be successful, a woman needs to act more like a man?